ESPN Greatest Highlight

Chris Berman once again gets to put his fat ugly face on numerous advertisements for the moronic crap called the Greatest Highlight in sports history. Who gives a rat's ass? What kind of insipid retard thought up this nonsense? Haven't these cynical jerks at ESPN done enough to over-commercialize and ruin sports and turn every sporting event into the Disney Ice Capades? Can't these sports-pimps at ESPN stop smoking crack for a while and let everyone else just enjoy sports for what they are without that lard-bottom tossing in jokes during every sports highlight? It was funny for the first couple of years. That was 25 years ago. Now it is incredibly annoying. Hey Berman, you aren't funny anymore. How many times can you hear the sports-clowns at ESPN call somebody Armani Super-Tumor or some other stupid nickname??

Why don't these ESPN clowns just stick to reporting the news? Not a single one of these dorks is remotely funny, and yet they all think that they are amazingly humorous. What about that Stuart Scott guy that looks like the dork from Fresh Prince of Bel Air?? He really needs a make-over and someone needs to let him know that he is the least funny of all the ESPN parasites. His wandering eye is annoying. This week they have had the entire week dedicated to some beagle that won a dog contest! When did that become sports? Only on ESPN can you find NFL Football followed by dog shows. What a joke. ESPN disrespects everything honorable and noble that the professional athlete once stood for and turned them into "entertainers." ESPN is the official Sports Pimp to all athletes. Extreme Sports? Have you ever seen that nonsense? Someone can do a triple somersault with their hand up their ass while on a skateboard...WOW! Let's see that highlight a million times on ESPN. How about those incredibly pathetic ESPY awards. Athletes actually show up to accept awards for "Best Catch" and all other kinds of silly topics that have to do with "ESPN Highlights." Now we get THE GREATEST HIGHLIGHT! The greatest ESPN Highlight would be the building being shut down and ESPN going out of business.

Not to mention the most annoying Dick Vitale. When is he going to finally retire? Vitale has been about to retire for ten years, but like some kind of incurable venereal disease, he keeps coming back. If Dick Vitale ever starred in a porno movie you know he could fit about five giant black penises into his big mouth. The only thing worse than Dick Vitale is that Beano Cook toad and that other old fart that does the college football games and wears a rug (toupee) that you can clearly see from a mile away. Lee Corso must be about 97 years old and they won't get rid of the bastard. Not to mention Digger Phelps. Why doesn't somebody give him a shovel? Don't any of these old farts have any families? No wonder the kids of the rich and celebrities all turn out to be drug addicts and alcoholics. Their parents were never there for them. ESPN has turned our greatest athletes into money-grubbing whores. Even worse, many of these ESPN tards have ended up on other networks reporting, perverting, and corrupting sports all across the world. The NFL Network hired that major weirdo who is always wearing eye-liner and looks and talks like Buffy the vampire slayer. Jesus H. Christ, couldn't they find at least one manly guy to work the NFL Network??

Dos Equis Man

When it rains, it is because he is sad.

One time he called the wrong number. He knew it was the wrong number even though the man on the other end would not admit it. (what a fucking genius!)

He is left handed. And right handed. His sister is the town whore.


If he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there. He likes to dress up as Santa Claus on Halloween.


His charisma can be seen from space. He also likes to wrestle young boys and give them beer.

If there were an interesting gland, his would be larger than most men's lower intestines. (a fat old man who drinks beer probably has a large gland)


He is the most interesting man in the world. (why is there another guy in the picture? Is Mr. Dos Equis a switch-hitter??)


Then the scratchy voice of someone who sounds like a hard-core smoker and gutter-level alcholic comes on and says: "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, it is Dos Equis." then a few seconds later, the same raspy voice says "Stay thirsty, my friends." Get fucked, bastard!

HEY! Well whoop-dee-do! How about this for his next ad:

When he shoves a baseball bat up his ass, it thunders.
When he farts, there are earthquakes in India.
You can see his stretched-out asshole from space.

His penis is so large he keeps it strapped against his belly and he often pees onto his face and then drinks it. "I don't drink my urine every day, but when I do, I like to wash it down with Dos Equis."

Even worse than these retarded advertisements are some new ones where the same dumb bastard is compared to Santa Claus and is now responsible for Christmas. Some advertisements are so fucking stupid that the people that created them should be arrested and banned from working in the advertising field.

Panda Pals

Back around 1972, U.S. President Richard Nixon made his famous trip to Red China. Here in the USA, it was major news. The Chinese gave Nixon a couple of pandas, and the pandas were in the news for months and became major celebrities. Like most kids at the time, I thought there was something special about pandas. However, the panda mystique has been sullied by the realities of commercialism.

Getting the pandas to procreate has become a major project for any zoos that have gotten their own pandas. The Chinese Government typically sells the pandas for as much as ten million dollars each. Often the pandas are only rented out to various zoos for several years. Any baby pandas that are born during the rental period are the property of the zoos, so there is a lot of pressure to get the pandas to mate successfully.

A baby panda can be worth millions of dollars to a zoo. It is not just the tourist revenue from visitors, but pandas can be rented to other zoos. The only way to end the cycle of dependence on foreign pandas is for the rental pandas to give birth to American pandas.

This is Ling-Ling and her baby Wing-Wong. A few minutes after this photo was taken she ate the cub.

In order to train the pandas to stop eating their cubs, the Chinese have been dressing babies as pandas and sending them in to the panda cages so that the trainers can teach the pandas to be better parents.

The future of the pandas depends on whether or not human children can teach parenting skills to the pandas.

In China, wealthy women are encouraged to adopt a panda as a symbolic mate.

Sometimes the pandas get excited during these ceremonial visits with their symbolic mates.

Some famous celebrities have bought their own pandas and trained them to perform simple tasks like driving a golf cart.

At some zoos, the pandas have gotten out of their habitats and mated with other animals.

Condensed Panda milk is a very expensive aphrodesiac. It takes zoo workers several hours to milk a can out of a panda.



Dedicated animal lovers have tried to help zoos make money by eating Panda Puffs and Gorrilla Munch. These cereals are made from animal pellets and like cow chips they have a high concentration of fiber which is good for the human digestive system.


These are panda chips.


Several companies have come up with ideas for serving healthy panda meat in school cafeterias.

If you have ever gone to a Chinese restaurant and wondered what is inside the breaded mystery treats, it is not always dogs and cats.

Getting pandas to reproduce seems to be impossible, so one company has come up with the idea of cloning pandas and making panda patties from the ones that come out with defective DNA. It is a win-win situation for everyone?

In China, pandas fight bears on TV game shows like Kimushipoo.

Panda wrestlers tag-team with real pandas and fight bears on Serbian TV.

American Patriot Rush Limbaugh

Rush likes kids, but he doesn't like to help pay for their health insurance. He supports the Bush veto of the Children's Health Care plan, but supports sending hundreds of billions of dollars to Iraq. The kids in Iraq are getting health care from the U.S. Taxpayers, but not the kids in America. It is the Republican way.

This photo came up when I googled Rush Limbo. Could it be from his care-free and gay frat days when he was in college? It sure looks like Rush.

Rush Limbaugh made his name with his tough conservative stance on illegal drug use. He wanted every drug user sent to prison until it came out that he was a drug addict too. Then he hired the sleaziest criminal lawyers that he could find and his Dream Team kept him out of prison. As Rush Limbaugh sees it, the law is meant to put poor people in prison. Rush has too much to offer to actually pay the consequences of his crimes. After all, he is talent on loan from God. I would like to see that meeting between Rush and God when his judgment day finally arrives. What does God think of the endless lies that Rush has pushed? What does God think of a combat coward who runs down disabled veterans that are against the waste of money (war) in Iraq?


Rush loves to sell products about himself. There are dedicated "Ditto-Heads" who actually send Rush several hundred dollars annually for his newsletter. If Rush sold dildos shaped like his head he could really make a killing. That's not saying he has a dick-head, but look at him.


He is always trying to promote something. Not sure if he got the Oxy-Contin gig, but I think he was selling Viagra at some point. He likes to get his hard-on even though he has never been able to father any kids. Kind of strange for a guy who claims he is a virile non-homosexual.


Rush loves to tell everybody about courage and war. Of course, Rush got a deferment when Vietnam was going. He did not want to risk depriving the world of the greatest conservative on earth. I believe he had anal warts at the time so the military gave him a pass. Now Rush masquerades as a patriot. What kind of patriot is a deferment coward??? Thomas Jefferson and George Washington must be turning in their graves to see the kind of human scum that pretends to speak for the patriots of America.

JULY 6, 2006--Rush Limbaugh was traveling with several other men when he was detained over a mislabeled bottle of Viagra found in his luggage during a Customs search. A Department of Homeland security passenger manifest shows that Limbaugh and his male buddies flew from the Dominican Republic on a Gulfstream IV jet owned by Premiere Radio Networks, which syndicates his radio program. With all those guys in tow, it is unclear what Limbaugh needed with those 29 100mg Viagra pills. The passenger manifest was among several documents released by the Palm Beach County State's Attorney in response to an open records request. Included in the material released were a copy of the handwritten statement Limbaugh provided investigators after he was detained upon the discovery of the impotency drug. An affidavit sworn three days later by Limbaugh was also released. In that document, Limbaugh explains that the Viagra "was intended for my exclusive use" and that the drug had been prescribed in the name of his drug treatment doctor, Steven Strumwasser, "to further maintain and protect my privacy." Now why would Rush Limbaugh be travelling to the Domincan Republic with a whole bunch of Viagra?? The underage prostitution in the Dominican Republic is well documented. He certainly doesn't have any friends there, except the kind that money can buy.

Then again, maybe the reason Rush has no kids is because he is a closet homosexual? That seems to be normal for most Republicans. Toe-tapping Senator Larry Craig made a career of cruising public restrooms for gay sex. The list of closet-queer Republifags gets longer every day.

Look at that Dominican baby! The dead head looks a lot like Rush Limbaugh! Is this what a DITTO-HEAD looks like?? Did Rush finally produce an heir?

Rush Limbaugh, a sad excuse for Americanism. He avoided his military service, he was a drug addict, he goes to foreign countries with lots of men friends and bags of Viagra. Apparently Rush can't get any sex in America. He supports aid to foreign countries but not for American children. He has no kids of his own but claims that he is not a homosexual. Wonder who is getting all the money in his will? Don't be surprised if it is another guy.

Geico Cave Men

Talk about the ultimate moronic Geico commercial. Geico must have money to burn. The first cave-man commercial was mildly amusing. The second one is mildy gloid. In this insipid commercial, the Geico hatchetman meets the two Neanderthals at a restaurant. Apparently these two boys are a couple, which just goes to show that Geico is a lot more liberal than their main stockholder. The more fey of the two Neanderthals decides he just can't eat after remembering the dismissive remark about the cave-men. Cave-boy is traumatized. The only thing missing is Joe Piscopo as The Prehistoric Cave-Man Lawyer to show up at the dinner table threatening to file a Class Action lawsuit because his two clients have been traumatized. Who writes these awful Geico commercials?

Update October 2007: The stupid ass Geico cavemen are now starring in their own Cavemen television series on the worst network, ABC (Another Boring Channel). This piece of shit idea began airing last night, and hopefully it will get cancelled by next week, if not sooner. The Cavemen series and the commercials are a testament to the stupidity of Americans, and the fact that the media thinks that Americans are dumber than blocks of wood, bags of rocks, or knitting yarn. The Cavemen are dumbing down America! Don't watch that Cavemen crap, and pray it gets cancelled immediately!! Better yet, maybe Jessica Alba will join the cast and give herpes to the neanderthals!! Then again, maybe they would rather get it from Derek Jeter. After all, they are prehistoric switch-hitters!