Dos Equis Man

When it rains, it is because he is sad.

One time he called the wrong number. He knew it was the wrong number even though the man on the other end would not admit it. (what a fucking genius!)

He is left handed. And right handed. His sister is the town whore.


If he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there. He likes to dress up as Santa Claus on Halloween.


His charisma can be seen from space. He also likes to wrestle young boys and give them beer.

If there were an interesting gland, his would be larger than most men's lower intestines. (a fat old man who drinks beer probably has a large gland)


He is the most interesting man in the world. (why is there another guy in the picture? Is Mr. Dos Equis a switch-hitter??)


Then the scratchy voice of someone who sounds like a hard-core smoker and gutter-level alcholic comes on and says: "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, it is Dos Equis." then a few seconds later, the same raspy voice says "Stay thirsty, my friends." Get fucked, bastard!

HEY! Well whoop-dee-do! How about this for his next ad:

When he shoves a baseball bat up his ass, it thunders.
When he farts, there are earthquakes in India.
You can see his stretched-out asshole from space.

His penis is so large he keeps it strapped against his belly and he often pees onto his face and then drinks it. "I don't drink my urine every day, but when I do, I like to wash it down with Dos Equis."

Even worse than these retarded advertisements are some new ones where the same dumb bastard is compared to Santa Claus and is now responsible for Christmas. Some advertisements are so fucking stupid that the people that created them should be arrested and banned from working in the advertising field.

Geico Cave Men

Talk about the ultimate moronic Geico commercial. Geico must have money to burn. The first cave-man commercial was mildly amusing. The second one is mildy gloid. In this insipid commercial, the Geico hatchetman meets the two Neanderthals at a restaurant. Apparently these two boys are a couple, which just goes to show that Geico is a lot more liberal than their main stockholder. The more fey of the two Neanderthals decides he just can't eat after remembering the dismissive remark about the cave-men. Cave-boy is traumatized. The only thing missing is Joe Piscopo as The Prehistoric Cave-Man Lawyer to show up at the dinner table threatening to file a Class Action lawsuit because his two clients have been traumatized. Who writes these awful Geico commercials?

Update October 2007: The stupid ass Geico cavemen are now starring in their own Cavemen television series on the worst network, ABC (Another Boring Channel). This piece of shit idea began airing last night, and hopefully it will get cancelled by next week, if not sooner. The Cavemen series and the commercials are a testament to the stupidity of Americans, and the fact that the media thinks that Americans are dumber than blocks of wood, bags of rocks, or knitting yarn. The Cavemen are dumbing down America! Don't watch that Cavemen crap, and pray it gets cancelled immediately!! Better yet, maybe Jessica Alba will join the cast and give herpes to the neanderthals!! Then again, maybe they would rather get it from Derek Jeter. After all, they are prehistoric switch-hitters!

Top Spammer Arrested

A 27-year-old man described as one of the world's most prolific spammers was arrested Wednesday, and federal authorities said computer users across the Web could notice a decrease in the amount of junk e-mail. Robert Alan Soloway is accused of using networks of compromised "zombie" computers to send out millions upon millions of spam e-mails. "He's one of the top 10 spammers in the world," said Tim Cranton, a Microsoft Corp. lawyer who is senior director of the company's Worldwide Internet Safety Programs. "He's a huge problem for our customers. This is a very good day." A federal grand jury last week returned a 35-count indictment against Soloway charging him with mail fraud, wire fraud, e-mail fraud, aggravated identity theft and money laundering.

Soloway pleaded not guilty Wednesday afternoon to all charges after a judge determined that — even with four bank accounts seized by the government — he was sufficiently well off to pay for his own lawyer. He has been living in a ritzy apartment and drives an expensive Mercedes convertible, said prosecutor Kathryn Warma. Prosecutors are seeking to have him forfeit $773,000 they say he made from his business, Newport Internet Marketing Corp. A public defender who represented him for Wednesday's hearing declined to comment.

Prosecutors say Soloway used computers infected with malicious code to send out millions of junk e-mails since 2003. The computers are called "zombies" because owners typically have no idea their machines have been infected. He continued his activities even after Microsoft won a $7 million civil judgment against him in 2005 and the operator of a small Internet service provider in Oklahoma won a $10 million judgment, prosecutors said. U.S. Attorney Jeff Sullivan said Wednesday that the case is the first in the country in which federal prosecutors have used identity theft statutes to prosecute a spammer for taking over someone else's Internet domain name. Soloway could face decades in prison, though prosecutors said they have not calculated what guideline sentencing range he might face.

The investigation began when the authorities began receiving hundreds of complaints about Soloway, who had been featured on a list of known spammers kept by The Spamhaus Project, an international anti-spam organization. The Santa Barbara County, Calif., Department of Social Services said it was spending $1,000 a week to fight the spam it was receiving, and other businesses and individuals complained of having their reputations damaged when it appeared spam was originating from their computers. "This is not just a nuisance. This is way beyond a nuisance," Warma said.

Soloway used the networks of compromised computers to send out unsolicited bulk e-mails urging people to use his Internet marketing company to advertise their products, authorities said. People who clicked on a link in the e-mail were directed to his Web site. There, Soloway advertised his ability to send out as many as 20 million e-mail advertisements over 15 days for $495, the indictment said. The Spamhaus Project rejoiced at his arrest. "Soloway has been a long-term nuisance on the Internet — both in terms of the spam he sent, and the people he duped to use his spam service," organizers wrote on Spamhaus.org. Soloway remained in federal detention pending a hearing Monday.

Hurricane Hype Begins Now!

The Hurricane Season begins June 1, and the weather vultures have already begun hyping their non-stop 24 hour weather coverage. Don't get me wrong, hurricanes are very dangerous. But cynical opportunism is just as bad, and that is what has been going on in South Florida since Hurricane Andrew came along in 1992. Hurricane Andrew turned Bryan Norcross into a media superstar and millionaire because he stayed up the entire night of Hurricane Andrew broadcasting photos of homes being destroyed (thanks to the stringers that they had taking photos and risking their lives out in the hurricanes).

Because of the incredible celebrity (and riches) that Norcross got from exploiting Hurricane Andrew for all it was worth, a new breed of weather-person spawned in South Florida; The Hurricane Forecaster. These folks are weather-persons during most of the year, but during hurricane season they spend their time regularly interrupting television shows to let you know that there is a hurricane brewing near Chile, 2400 miles away. Then they let you know that in ten, fifteen, or thirty minutes they will interrupt the show again to give you an update on the storm. This goes on and on from June until November, when the hurricane season is finally over.

Besides getting people constantly hyped up about every possible storm in the western hemisphere, these weather vultures spend a lot of their time endorsing hurricane preparedness. This means that supermarkets, lumber companies, electrical generator sellers, and air-conditioning repair companies generously sponsor these Hurricane Warning shows and hurricane preparedness "specials" so that the weather vultures can lead the public running to the stores to buy millions of dollars in hurricane "protection." When hurricane season begins, you can see the happiness and joy on the faces of weather-persons like Don Noe. Every time a storm is brewing somewhere, they interrupt programming to announce a hurricane warning, and you can see they are over-joyed at the prospect of another opportunity to become the next hurricane celebrity, like Bryan Norcross.

Does all this hurricane exploitation save any lives? Sure. There are probably some morons that would not figure out that a hurricane was coming unless they saw constant warnings and updates every ten minutes on every television station. For the rest of us, the hurricanes are an unavoidable force of nature that you can prepare for in a reasonable manner without any hysteria. Hopefully someday soon Bryan Norcross, Don Noe, and the rest of these hurricane vultures will retire (or go to prison--former hurricane expert Bill Kamal is doing five years for kiddie porn. Did his guilty conscience drive him to self-destruct?) and open the way for weather-persons that have some sense of ethics and journalistic integrity.

Geico Gecko

There is something intrinsically wrong with so many corporations stealing the beauty, creations, and images of nature in order to promote their own greedy goals. Geico is one of the best examples of this. They spend hundreds of millions of dollars every year so that their Gecko commercials can be on every television channel all the time. They have perverted the image of the Gecko so that now many people have come to associate a Gecko with some cynical automobile insurance company.

Sometimes Geico has aired a creative Gecko commercial, but most of the time, the commercials are either insipid, stupid, or sub-moronic. Thanks to Geico's billions, the cgi graphics have been steadily improving. Perhaps Geico plans on opening a Gecko theme park someday? Can the Gecko become more popular than Mickey Mouse?

Apparently Geico has trademarked the Gecko name, and it is on some kind of corporate mission to force all others to stop using the image of the Gecko for any reason. Only Geico can use a Gecko, and that is just wrong. It like like McDonald's restaurants which have prohibited anyone whose real name is McDonald from using his or her real name as part of the name of any business.

In effect, McDonald's owns the McDonald name and nobody else can use it. Now Geico is doing the same thing to the Gecko. Hopefully they won't manage to gain actual ownership of the species too! Nature being patented, trademarked, bought, and sold thanks to the arrogance of the legal system is wrong on so many levels. Geckos are beautiful creatures of nature, they were not meant to be owned by any sleazy corporation.

Tom-Tom Go

Has anyone heard the moronic commercials for Tom-Tom-Go; the GPS satellite that retards can install into their vehicles if they are too fucking stupid to find their way to work every morning?

Mongoloid's Mom calls, and he says "Mom-Mom where do I turn now?" Then the voice-over comes on: "If you want to find out where you are going, don't ask Mom-Mom; ask Tom-Tom." Gee, if you are such a Gloid that you need to call Tom-Tom regularly in order to go to shopping, you should just get institutionalized.

What kind of lamedick needs so much help in order to drive around that he has to have on ON-BOARD computer navigator?? Are there so many dumb people driving around? Shouldn't there be concern that the kind of folks that need Tom-Tom-Go probably should NOT be driving around at all??