ESPY AWARDS

The ESPN Sports Pimps continue to hype the ultimate crap known as the ESPY AWARDS. This is where the hardcore ESPN audience of closet homosexuals, pedophiles, prison inmates, and Catholic priests all vote for the best highlights of the year. This includes such categories as:

1. Best Millionaire Jock Blooper


2. Stupidest Jock Quote of The Year


3. Biggest Loser Coach of the Year


4. Best Prison Jock


5. Prettiest Lesbian College Basketball player


6. Scummiest Sports Agent


7. Top Ten Drug Rehab Highlights


8. Best Hairy Ass Shot Taken in the Showers After The Big Game


9. Jock Tales From Alcoholics Anonymous


10. Fattest Dyke Golfer of the Year


11. Endorsement Deal Horror Stories
12. Sports Lowlife of The Year
13. Best Millionaire Athlete Mug Shot


14. Best Pat On the Ass By a Creepy-Looking Alcoholic Manager


15. Best 911 Call by an Abused Sports Wife


16. Most Alcoholic Baseball Player


17. Best Arrest Report


18. Best DUI Police Videos


19. Best Highlights of Crappy Unknown Sports that ESPN promotes


20. The Most Un-Funny ESPN Sportscenter Hosts


21. Endless Clips of Chris Berman's Insipid Remarks


22. Clips of Dick Vitale Screaming Like a Deflowered Virgin


23. Many More Clips of Self-Promoting Crap

and of course, the amazing shots of pro athletes occasionally catching the ball, hitting a home run, throwing a pass, and doing their jobs. Too bad the ESPN has nothing to do with Sports they way it used to be before ESPN turned it into "Entertainment Content." Yes, the ESPIES is an endless shitstorm of self-congratulation, self-adulation, and masturbation.

Old Celebrity Faces

Victoria Principal looks like her head is on top of a post. Did she play Yoda in the last Star Wars prequel?
Wayne Newton has a face like a baby's butt. Another one with tiny eyes thanks to plastic surgery.

Priscilla Presley looks like she is either a vampire or she is using the skin from a cadaver.

Mickey Rourke always manages to look more hideous in every mug shot.

Kathleen Turner looks like Joe Louis after 75 fights.

LaToya's nose looks like it is about to collapse into her face!

Liza Minnelli has never been pretty, especially now.

Marlo Thomas! What happened to That Girl? Why is her nose crooked?

Melanie Griffith was a hot babe once. Now she could scare the devil if he woke up in bed next to that face!

Barry Manilow's face looks like a baby's butt. Look at how tiny his eyes have become.

Look at how stretched out her skin is! Even around her nose it looks like it is about the crack open.

Donnatella Versace is living proof that all that hard partying catches up with you sooner or later. She looks like she was Mike Tyson's girlfriend for a few rounds.

Florence Henderson supposedly bagged some of the Brady boys, but I wonder if she had a glass eye back in those days? Shagging her now has to be something like a journey into mystery.

Gary Busey looked insane his entire life. Getting older has just taken it to the next level of scary.

Janice Dickinson is a celebrity thanks to reality TV shows. Would you want to go to her beauty camp?

Jerry Jones will be auditioning for the role of the Crypt Keeper when Tales From the Crypt gets a remake. Being a billionaire has done nothing for his skull-face.

Jessica Lange was always a crazy woman, and now she looks like a crazy old lady.

Jesus, what happened to her? She looks like she got her surgery at K-Mart.

Another ugly chipmunk face. At least you know Joe never got by on his looks.

Look at those little scars behind Burt's ears and under his chin. Look at how stretched out the skin around his eyes has become. His face looks like the leather cover over a drum.